I recently read that C. S. Lewis wrote a book on grief after losing his wife. He wrote:
“…[grief] feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
This rings so true for me today. It has been a little over 7 weeks since that horrible time, and I cannot be alone. My husband thankfully works from home, but when he had planned to go in to work, I had a panic attack. The gripping fear of being alone with this grief and empty house is just too much for me right now. He caringly cancelled his plans, but I wonder, when will I be able to be alone again.
When we first got home from the hospital, we had an unspoken open door policy. No, I don't mean we let anyone come over. We couldn't be alone to the point that we would stay in the same room as each other, and the bathroom door would not be closed. That despair of missing someone so dear made us inextricably attached to each other as a comfort blanket.
When he is working at home, I stay in the same room, sometimes pulling up a chair next to him. I also have the tv on almost 24/7. That additional noise that is not about grief and is mindless seems to take a the edge off, very slightly. I feel that is my solution to Lewis' desire. To avoid loneliness without having to interact with others.
I have taken that to the point that I have not spoken with anyone besides a doctor or my husband since it happened. The only exception was when I called my parents to see if they could help with the burial costs (we ended up not going that route anyway). I can't even bring myself to speak to checkers at the store. I can only manage a wane smile when absolutely necessary. It is brutal to communicate when you are broken. I don't expect others to understand, and I don't really care what they think.
I have developed a lot more empathy for strangers that aren't communicative or even very friendly. Maybe they are going through the same thing.
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