That moment when you try to get out of the house to distract yourself, but then a new mom plops herself in front of you with her new baby.
Today has been a particularly difficult day. We are not feeling well physically, and it seems that whenever our bodies aren't doing great, the emotional and mental side of things seems to suffer as well.
We tried to get out of the house as a distraction and got some burritos, went to the park and sat in the car eating. I purposely parked away from the new mom with the baby, and yet along they came, until they stopped right in front of us and stayed there for the entirety of our meal. I tried to ignore it, but come on, people oogling babies draws attention and as soon as I had scarfed down my burrito, I drove away.
The reminders are everywhere and are constant. There are babies everywhere, especially in our town that is mostly populated by families.
Last night when walked at the park, there were a group of high school boys playing soccer and having a really good time. I found myself searching their faces, looking for Wilder. I know, it sounds crazy. My brain just can't accept the facts yet. And I want to see him. As my husband said, "You feel like a parent, but have no child to care for". Ouch. Without him, I am a fraction of myself. Without him, I will never be whole. My heart is overflowing with love for Wilder and grief for losing him so early.
I miss you Wilder. I wish I could watch you grow up and play soccer. I wish I could see you smile and enjoy your friends. I wish I could kiss you and hug you and cheer you on. I wish I could look across that field and see your handsome face. I miss you and love you, no matter what. Death cannot separate us.
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