Seeing babies after losing your own is sickening. At least it has been for me. I start panicking, hyperventilating, and can't stop staring and trying to imagine Wilder at that age. What would it be like to hold him again? What would it be like to have those limpid pools of charm look into my eyes and recognize my face? Just writing this I need to take a break. It is brutally painful.
Yesterday was the first day that I had an urge to ask a mother if I could hold her baby. Just for a minute. Just for a chance to take a breath.
I never would, but fought the urge. I know it would be weird socially. I know it wouldn't feel or smell like Wilder. I know it would make it worse. But the urge is still there. I want a baby. I really want Wilder.
The doctor approved me for pregnancy 3 months after giving birth to Wilder. At first I was happy. But I know that the reason I was happy is because somewhere in my grieving mind I think that it will be a re-do and Wilder will be born again, alive and kicking this time after labor. I want him so much. Want to feel him inside me again. I want to be able to sing him our lullabies, murmur my words of love to him again, rub and caress his little legs and feet and rump in my belly. To feel him pay attention when Daddy says "I love you baby", "I'm your daddy", and "Take your time, but I can't wait to meet you".
At this point we can't really have a conversation about getting pregnant again. It is too soon, too painful, too scary, too upsetting. We have another month to decide before the 3 month mark, but I think the wait to give Wilder a sibling will be much longer. At least until I can accept the fact that it will be a sibling. Ouch. Hurts to even write that as if it is acceptance, which I can never do.
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