This was a journal prompt I read, and it made me pause. After such a traumatic loss, fear has ironically become a part of my daily life. You would think that after the worst has happened, fear would be gone. But the knowledge that death lurks so near is terrifying and constantly unsettles. I am sure the panic attacks enhance this fear, but it is there all of the time. Fear of dying, fear of my husband dying, fear of losing another baby.
When this first happened, I no longer feared death. I had faced it head-on, and it felt like there was nothing left to lose. I had touched death and loved my son in death. Still do. So why does it scare me now?
Perhaps because I have started to move through the grief a bit. Perhaps because the balance between life and death is always precarious and I want life. People say grief is love with nowhere to go. I agree, but I would add that it is hatred of death and a love of life. And a longing to share in the goodness of it.
Knowing that such precious things can end in an instant makes you reassess everything in your life. They say live every day as if it is your last, but we get caught up in long term stresses that pull us out of our daily living. When this trauma happens you reassess everything. You become woke to life and death. And fear losing that consciousness.
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