"When Things Fall Apart"

“Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is they are intimate with fear.”

-Pema Chodron, When things fall apart

If you have had a stillbirth, you already know this to be true. But why is it when people say "You are so brave", you revolt? Maybe because you didn't choose to be brave. You didn't do anything but live. Is that really brave? Big deal, you survived. I bet you didn't always want to survive. I bet you would have traded places with your child in a second so they could have the chance to live. I bet you don't wake up every morning feeling like superman/wonder woman.

But fire makes diamonds, and boy, have we walked through the fire of life. Some say that losing a child is the worst tragedy that can occur. I haven't experienced all tragedies in my life, but I would agree. An untimely death is so traumatic, it cannot help but break you.

It includes the loss of hopes and dreams. The loss of sweet baby snuggles. The loss of a family. The loss of a child. The loss of the future. The loss of your identity. Grief also includes other forms of loss. The loss of friends, the loss of jobs, the loss of career trajectory, the loss of trust in life, the loss of a sense of safety. The losses far outnumber these few examples, and are layered on top of the deep pain of grief.

If being brave means living through a nightmare, then yes, we are brave. If it means losing someone so precious to you that it breaks you and you will never be the same, then yes, we are brave. If it means that we cherish every moment we had with them, and eventually every moment after them because we know how close death lurks on the daily, then yes, we are brave. Not heroes, not saints. Not strong, but stronger than we think. Not weak, but weaker than we think. Not okay, but okay enough.

So maybe we are brave, but not in the way the comic books depict bravery. We are brave in a much more intrinsic, deeper way. Does being brave because there is no other option mean that one is truly brave? Or does it have to be a conscious choice? And are we choosing to be brave by living on?

I would say that we the brave living do not live without fear. We are intimate with fear as the book says, but because we have no choice. And most in our situations would also be considered brave by default. Maybe it isn't bravery then, but just zombification? Stupification?