Tonight as I watched the Bighorn fire burn from my balcony, I was awed, as I have been every night by the sight under the stars. In some ways it puts life in perspective, and each evening has served as a small distraction for us as we grieve. We have made it a habit to watch the fires every night since we first saw the lightening strike and start the fire.
Reading up on the latest about the fire, I came upon this article, in which a long-time resident talked about the fires coming closer to her beloved home. She said
“I have all the faith that the Forest Service is doing what they can but they’re not God,” Zimmerman said. “They can’t fix the wind.”
That sentence stopped me in my tracks. Because no matter what the doctors tell me, I still am constantly trying to fix what happened in my mind. "Why did this happen?", "How can I fix it?", "I should have done this or that". It is torturous and relentless. Almost every waking thought is centered around these issues, or just missing him and crying.
But reading her words, that the firefighters are not God, and they can't fix the wind, suddenly gave me some relief. Because it is unreasonable to expect anyone to be God. Because you can't control natural occurrences, such as the wind, the fire, or death. They rip through our lives and leave devastation in their wake. And we can't always control it.
This not only gives me a small measure of peace, but also helps reduce my anxiety about the future. Because I do not have control, and cannot ever really expect to. I cannot stop something I didn't know was coming. Something I desperately tried to prevent and protect him from.
The winds have come. They have ruined everything and left me burnt and wounded. Wind-whipped beyond recognition. But I have bent with the winds, and somehow I am still standing. Like the tree at the top of the mountain that had flames licking at her feet, bursting her bark, choking out her sun, and yet she is not gone. Even if she wishes she was.
And dear reader, I hope this gives you some sense of peace too. Because you can't fix the wind.
To see the article that inspired this post, please visit: https://tucson.com/news/local/on-eve-of-tragic-anniversary-summerhaven-residents-ordered-to-evacuate-as-fire-nears/article_b0152cf3-34e0-529b-855f-ec1cec598873.html
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